HEADLINE ROUNDUP! "DRING PESSI!" WHY THE HATE, JERKY?! It took Michael Jackson over fifteen years. Britney Spears did it in less than three. And now, it appears Argentinean pop-skank "Shakira" has spread her plump cheeks for the Pepsi Cola company in record-breaking time. How long has it been since her faux blonde extensions and her child-bearing hips first hit the scene, anyway… two months? It seems like only yesterday she started wagging her vagina in our faces, offering up the suggestive gutterslut invitation: "Wherever… whenever." She oozed so much Third World sexuality in her first video, yer old pal Jerky was worried she might start fucking the buffalo and blue whales the effects geeks stuck in there for no good reasons. Now, totally undercutting the raw animal vibe that was her one and only marketable attribute, she's wagging her vagina in our faces and ordering us to "dring Pessi… da choice uh-banoo generay-chun…" of zombies, maybe. But I digress. Actually, I don't digress, because in order to digress, I would have had to have had a point in the first place. Which I didn't. Other than the fact that I now hate Shakira with the kind of deep and abiding passion I usually only felt for Celine Dion and Rosie O'Donnell. *** *** *** QUICK BITS Yer old pal Jerky feels you gotta give credit where credit is due, and if you're giving out credit for tenacity, resourcefulness and going for broke, then you gotta give credit to teenage Floridian wrestling fan Gorman Roberts. Gorman always wanted to meet his hero, wrestling and motion picture sensation The Rock, but knew the chances of the ring titan coming around and hanging out with him were slim to none, no matter how fancy the invitation. So he did the only thing he knew how… he drowned a five-year-old autistic boy in a canal and told his lawyer he did it because of what he saw The Rock doing on TV. This is why Gorman's attorney Ellis Rubin will be calling on The Rock to testify at Gorman's murder trial. "Little boys imitate what they see on TV. If they hadn't been watching wrestling, none of this might have happened," the idiot recently told an incredulous, head-shaking member of the press. In any case, you now see how, if The Rock shows up for the trial, Gorman will have circuitously fulfilling the ultimate goal of meeting his A-number-1 wrestling hero! Keep yer fingers crossed for the kid! [cue John Cougar Mellencamp's Aint That America… NOW! - Jerky]

ON THIS DAY! May 14 On this day in 1948, in the city of Tel Aviv, Jewish Agency chairman David Ben-Gurion declares: "We hereby proclaim the establishment of the Jewish state in Palestine, to be called Israel." And they lived happily ever after! (bite your tongue, Jerky... bite your tongue...) Also on this day, back in 1878, the Chesebrough Ponds company launches Vaseline brand petroleum jelly. Within months, even your own sainted great-great grandmother was giving anal sex a try.

THEY SAID IT! "Not one thin dime for Wollersheim!" - This was the "Church" of Scientology's declaration back in 1980 when former member Lawrence Wollersheim decided to sue them for driving him to the brink of insanity with their "counseling methods." For twenty-two years, they kept true to their word. *** *** *** "The cult that vowed it would never pay me one thin dime has now paid over 86 million thin dimes." - This was Lawrence Wollersheim's understandably gleeful exclamation upon learning of the "Church" of Scientology's decision to finally pay the eight-and-a-half million dollars they owe him after ducking, dodging, stalling and stonewalling for nearly twenty three years.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Steeverino... Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy. Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her apartment to fool around. She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says: "Stick a finger in me." Bob obliges, then Cindy says: "Stick in the other three." Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says: "Just go ahead and shove yer whole hand in there." So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says: "Now shove in your other hand." Bob does so, and Cindy says: "Now CLAP!" Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says. Cindy looks at him with a smile and says: "Pretty tight, eh?!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Breaker... A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant when the waitress notices the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table. The man slides all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. The woman dining across from him appears calm, apparently unaware that her dining companion has disappeared. The waitress comes over to the table and says to the woman: "Pardon me, ma'am, but did you know your husband just slid under the table?" The woman calmly looks up and replies: "Actually, no. My husband just walked through the door." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Stan. A guy with a speech impediment goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns to the merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me ser?" "Yes, sir," replied the clerk. "Tould you tale me how mutsh yur Pisstasheos arr?" "Pistachios? They're six dollars a pound." "SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr yur aahhmons?" "Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound." "SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man, "Welp, how bout yur pikanns?" "Pecans? They're on sale today...they're only four fifty a pound." "Welp...SSit...just div me a pownd of dose dhen." "Alrighty then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans. Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it." The clerk replies with a smile, "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that... I don't make fun of anybody, for anything! I don't know if you noticed or not, but I have a rather large nose." The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat yur noze? I tought dat wuz yur dick, yur nutz arr so damn high!"

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; I have a little problem with the couple of Jehovah's Witnesses who visit me on the occasional Saturday morning. The thing is they come around trying to persuade me to join their fucked up religion (which is a serious pain in the ass). And instead of listening to the repeated apocalyptic messages like the rest of the mindless idiots in the church, I disagree with what they say and give scientific counterarguments to their beliefs. For example, I was told that the finding of shells on the top of Mount Everest was proof that the world was once flooded, so I called 'shenanigans' and explained tectonics to them. But all that does is send the group into a frenzy of bible quotes, and then they hand me a few more copies of Watchtower. Should I just tell them to piss off, that I'm not worth saving, or can you offer some advice which will keep them at bay? Signed: Ben Dear Ben; Unless you're willing to go to anti-social extremes that might get you thrown in the stockade, there is nothing you can do or say to get a persistant, myth-drunken proselytizer to respect your refusal to believe. His devotion to the creed that filled the gaping hole in his soul - a wound resulting from his being weened off thumbsucking as a child - is far too strong. For an example of what I'm talking about, see the Soapbox below. In the meantime, you can always do what yer old pal Jerky does. The next time they come around trying to convert you to their religion, tell them the friendly Satanist family down the street already beat'em to it. Keep a preserved dead goat and a copy of the Satanic Bible handy as props to wave around. That usually keeps them at bay for a little while.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN WASTES HIS TIME! Care of: Crash Hash. Hey Jerky, I've been reading your rag for what seems to be a long time now, and I really enjoy it. I've written in a few times, even gotten my views on election reform posted. I can tell that you're a smart guy, and a lot of the things you find amusing, I think are hysterical. What I'm tying to get at is that in the right setting, I think you and I could actually be friends. When you talk about religion, and the fact that you're an athiest, you do it so intelligently that it makes me wonder how you got that way. You obviously have some background in religion, because you attack and defend in the same speak as those who attack you. I think that's interesting too. You seem to draw the most fanatical responses out of people, causing them to display all that their religion goes against, if they are truly Christian. Again, Interesting. Jerky, I've been where you are. I spent my whole childhood growing up in the church, and spent all of my late teens and twenties questioning whether or not any of it was real or legitimate in any way. I have, very recently, discovered that while a lot of what humans and churches make up in the name of God is B.S., God is real, and what's more, He's pretty freakin' cool. Now, don't think that I'm trying to convert you. That's not the point of my letter. But I wanted you to know, that from now on, every time I read the Dirt, I'm going to pray for you. I'm not going to pray for God to heap burning coals on your head, or for Him to send you to Hell with the rest of the Demons. I'm merely going to pray for God to reveal himself to you in such a way, as many times as it takes, for you to not be able to deny his existence. That's all, no frills, no guilt, no nonsense. You can post this if you'd like, but I'd rather you just read it and delete it... but not forget it. God never gave up on me, and I won't give up on you. Later, Hash P.S. Here's a verse to think about. "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners. This saying is true, and it can be trusted. I was the worst sinner of all! But since I was worse than anyone else, God had mercy on me and let me be an example of the endless patience of Christ Jesus. He did this so that others would put their faith in Christ and have eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:15,16 [Holy crap! I just got PRAYED! - Jerky]

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